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Match report vs. vs Rogerstone 25 June @Rogerstone (skipper J Furnham, report A Furnham)

So did we start at 1.30? Did we fuck. Did they have 11? No, Did they have some players around the age of 11? Yes. Did it rain? Yes.

Rogerstone is a name that puts me into a cold sweat and reminds me of being stuck on the hard shoulder July 3rd last year. Thankfully this time I made it past that fateful spot to the ground. It then became clear that they were struggling to make 11 and had a side full of kids. They won the toss and put us in.

I offered to field as they only had 9 at first and Smitts joined me till another adult turned up who had no idea where backward point was when I told him where Smitts had been.

Hood and M Stephens opened with the combined age of the opening bowlers about 25. No offence to our openers but their partnership of 100 was the most boring 19 overs ever - well since the same pair batted together at Llanvapley to save a timed game - and I was playing!

There was the odd moment of excitement when I farted or saw some breasts on the boundary and even when the ball came to me but other than that it was going to be a long afternoon.

Mark did get dropped once and they did bowl two adults in tandem (although they don’t normally bowl) who bowled quite well but the best chance of a wicket was always going to be a run out. It was coming and a mix up had led to a mid wicket con flab which Mark said see it through to the drinks and lets take it from there. (Marks version). This was not to be though as Andy pushed one into the covers and called to a kid who threw the stumps down for Kim to put his finger up with a smile on his face.

Kim may have been smiling but rest assured that Councillor was not best pleased and was run out for 49. Not a good number for a man with statto porn on his brain. I was not there as I was on the field but I am told there was bat throwing and liberal use of the word **nt. It could have almost been Goughy. Andy’s version of events are far different so I will leave it you lot to speak to them and decide who was at fault. 100 for 1 in the 20th over and drinks were taken.

Rob Sage came to the wicket and made 14 before falling LBW to an adult. 132 for 2 then the same guy got one to keep very low to account for Hood on 61 and 149 for 3. Steve was by now at the wicket and hit a four while only 8 people were fielding as nobody seemed to notice the captain talking to two fielders about when he was going to bowl them. Well actually I noticed but I was ignored and the ball delivered anyway and Steve ultra keen to make sure the four stood (well done Tesh). Steve then took part in some child abuse before I suggested to the young man (out loud of course) to bowl him a straight one as he doesn’t like them. Sure enough Steve`s stump was gone and then told me he was going to get me for that! What did I do? 153 for 4 and at least some excitement.

Fitzy (I am not going to go mental he said as he reached the wicket) and Smitts then entertained us with some child abuse till Smitts was well caught by an adult off the bowling of an adult (the bowler was the one who didn’t know where point was) for 14. The same bowler did for Fitzy although he was caught by a kid at fine leg. Billy though played some excellent shots including a six and two fours in his 27.

At 30 overs we looked around and saw no umpire standing at square leg. Paul had just walked off ( he had done 30 overs mind you) which brought a chuckle out in the middle. When Billy went Paul came in with a face like thunder to join Tesh put Paul soon twatted 19 off 7 balls (if I don’t tell you he will) including a sweet six and Tesh also not out on 17 which included two clipped fours through square leg. 234 for 6 in 40 overs and Paul looking a lot happier than when he walked out. It did get a bit more exciting in the second half of the innings but it was hardly enthralling I can tell you.

Tea was excellent with kid who bowled Steve smiling at him every time he walked past him. All the while the footy was on with cries of "Cmon Ecuador" looked upon with horror by our English contingent. I sat outside at tea and one of the guys who helped out did a really massive fart to which he told me he was glad he could do that with confidence after the morning he had. Dodgy pint last night was to blame he told me but later he did a smaller fart and said he was now less confident. As we left later there was the most horrific smell from the bog which had been decorated with some pebble dash so I reckon he was a contender for that or was it a sneaky Casual.

Anyway we made it back out to the middle with the combined age of the batsmen about 71. 60 of those were with the left handed old guy who despatched any bad balls to the short boundary rather easily. The little kid was no mug either and liked his shot to mid wicket.

Rob Sage is new to the club and I have been trying to work out who he looks like and today it came to me. He reminds me of young Clark Kent in Superman the Movie. You know the one who races with the train and kicks the American football about 10 miles. Anyway I have to be tactful here but it has to be said that Rob did not have his best twenty minutes this afternoon. He bowled 6-0-35-0 and dropped a real sitter off Tesh. Rob did agree that it was a shocker, don’t worry mate we have all been there and Superman Returns is out July so that’s something to look forward to.

Tesh was a bit more successful with his leg spin (googlies only mind) and a strengthening of the leg side led to the old guy cutting it to Billy who took the catch on his belly as much as his hands. Tesh finished with 4-1-14-1 and then something as rare as rocking horse shit happened. No Steve didn’t stay quiet for more than a minute as he found time to abuse me by telling me I must eat a lot due the amount of running I had been doing. No Furnham senior came on to bowl.

Despite the spectre of his bowling at Barry Wands hanging over him he stood up to be counted and came on to bowl. Four balls later he took his first wicket and then he took another in his second over. Ok they were both kids but neither Tesh or Rob could get the first kid out. In his third over he went for a boundary from an adult who could clearly give it a whack but then had him superbly caught (yes Steve, superbly) by Steve low down at mid on. If the first two were "criminal" and "like taking candy from a baby" as some may have commented then this was a proper wicket. Furnham had not only had a bowl but finished with 3-2-5-3 which is about as rare as Gary Glitter getting a hard on over something with hair.

Paul had time to bowl 7 balls that went for 8 runs (off an adult) but then it started pissing down so before Smitts and one or two others had a chance to bowl it was all over and we saw the last ten minutes of the football.

We went for a quick drink after in a place that Shakes called "classy" when indeed it is quite the opposite. In fact it makes The Home Guard Club in Ely look like the Park Lane Hilton. One guy had a bird bent over at the bar and apart from the screen showing VH2 it is like a throwback to the 70s. Friendly enough though.

So basically what should have been a good fixture ended up being mostly bollocks. Normally if it rains I cant wait to get back on but today I couldn’t give a shit.

There were however chances for people to improve their stats and people like Fitz and Rob to have a good bat and it was also a chance to see Kim behind the stumps who proved he can add to our list of keepers without a shadow of a doubt. The only pity that Furnham couldnt bowl another over and maybe pick up five wickets.

Overall though it was a good one to miss if you couldn’t make it and fun for those who saw Mark "49er" Stephens lose his rag.


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