Rules and Regulations
The more aerodyte among you may know that the word
“Umpire” comes from the Latin, “Um”
meaning to hesitate, and “Pire” which loosely
translates as a stake upon which people are burnt. When
Umpiring it is important to keep this in mind at all
times as no matter what people say, they will take it
personally when you give them out LBW, even if at the
time they are quite clearly more fruit than man.
The life of an Umpire is not an easy one and requires
years of training in order to learn, understand and
apply the rules of Cricket correctly. One of the trickiest
to master is “Duckworth-Lewis”. As everyone
knows this is some new-age, tree huggin hippie way of
making it virtually impossible for the team chasing
a target to win the game. Devised by the statistician
Huey Duckworth Lewis, the equation has successfully
stumped every mathematician, cricket expert and fan
of the chasing team since its arrival. Luckily however
John Nash was finally able to crack the equation during
the late 1990’s before it eventually drove him
crazy.
First,
take the amount of runs scored by the opposing team
and add the number of pints Dan drank the night before
plus the average pie consumption per Casual at lunch.
Secondly, divide the amount of balls bowled by the defending
team by the number of times Goughy called the opposition
a c**t, multiplied by the amount of people hiding behind
the pavilion or pretending to be on their phone so they
don’t get asked to umpire. Thirdly, pull four
random numbers out of a hat, add them together then
subtract the amount of people who fell asleep watching
Shakey bat. Finally, multiply the whole thing by the
number of times Kim’s been dropped while batting
and raise to the power of how many people have actually
stuck around to figure the bastard out.
In most cases however the Casuals implement their own,
“Lets just flip a sodding coin” method so
we can all bugger off to the pub.
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