11 Sri Lankans 15 June 08

Most of us met at Churchills with dark clouds looming and on the way to Caerphilly it was pissing down and we feared the worst. After reading Paul’s rant before I left I can tell you that he seemed in very good spirits and told me he left several paragraphs out of the finished article. Elton John I am told was being played in the Smittymobile so I missed a little treat on the way but chatting to captain Pike in his car was enjoyable enough though no stories of scouts wanking in tents I am afraid.

At the ground it was raining and it seemed we wouldn’t play but lo and behold the clouds rolled away and off we went put into the field. Paul opened from the pavilion end and Rog the far end and very good our opening spell was too. Paul was even happier when he bowled the opener in the third over. We don’t have fall of wicket in the book but I can tell you the score was on 4. This brought their skipper (young guy who wears the wide floppy hat if you know who I am on about).

There was a very dodgy run when the ball was hit to short cover and Pikey flopped down and stopped it while the batters were yes and no somewhere in the middle of the wicket. Pikey (albeit on his arse, though he did have time to get up) threw a crap throw to Smitts who had to go to his right to collect the ball and then aimed to hit the stumps from close range to try and run out their skipper. Instead of hitting the stumps Smitts only managed to throw the ball into their skippers head as he tried to scramble home. I was at square leg and can quite confidently say that there is no way despite me backing up that I would have stopped the ball going to the boundary had it not hit his head. Unfortunately in hitting his head the poor bloke was lying on the ground in a bit of a daze. Cue lots of people crowding around to see if he was Ok and thankfully he was but still had to retire hurt.

This brought Siva to the wicket who does not fail much against us although Shakey will tell you he has the wood on him. (Not gives him wood as Goughy would say). Rog at the other end bowled the other opener in over 6 with actually not one of his better balls but it kept low and was straight. About 12 for 2 in the 6th. These two bowlers continued until they had bowled 6 each with Paul 1 for 13 and Rog one for 16 at this stage.

Tesh came on to bowl for Paul and Fox for Rog and from here on in I never left the boundary under the trees on the far side which is where I like to be but meant I wasn’t quite in the thick of it. I walked on to the boundary thinking Tickle was going to bowl spin but it was seam up. One of the hardest things about doing a match report is writing about things when they don’t quite go to plan. Now I am not sure how much exactly the umpire knew what he was doing and it was hard from my distance and the book is a bit of a mess but Tesh bowled 11 wides, one no ball and went for 46 runs but he also managed to take two wickets. His choice to go back to spin working. The first wicket I thought he would get if he got it right and indeed he popped one up to Pikey at short mid-wicket. The second was against Fari who was looking good but Tesh bowled him a beauty to bowl him with his last ball. “I would say well bowled Tesh but I can’t really” were more words as we laughed. Shakey said “you watch, I will bowl really well now and not get f*ck all!” 89 for 4 at the end of the 19th. Foxy was bowling well at the other end while Mark took over from Tesh.

Siva by now had gone to 50 which was a delayed reaction as the scorers had obviously no idea what he was on. Fear not though as the magic touch of Monty did for Siva again as he had him caught superbly by Tesh at short extra. Mark reminded me after how many wickets he is now in front of me! At this stage most of us thought we were in with a good chance at around 95 for 5. Foxy got in on the act with a great ball, bowled at about 109 for 6 in the 24th.

This meant though that retired skipper had returned to the crease. Shakes continued to bowl his full 8 while Dewbs took over from Fox. Again I was at a distance but Dewbs bowled two overs for 18 so Foxy took over again to finish his 8. The returned skipper now got about us a bit while the guy at the other end ran so slow that he should join us. The skipper hit quite a few fours and took his score to 48 but captain Pikey who had come on after Foxy stopped him getting to 50 as he tried one big shot too many and was bowled trying to hit it a long way. Very good innings. There were two run outs including the super slow guy who slipped half way down plus one or two that should have been. Paul and Rog came back to bowl the last four and from 109 for 6 in the 24th to 208 at the end of forty.

The brass band was playing during the innings and Pikey told me later he liked it best when they played the music from Brassed Off. I was clueless although I did see Tara Fitzgerald close up and her knickers a couple of years ago. My fave tune was Ticket to Ride. Earlier Pikey came over to Paul and asked him how he felt to carry on and Paul said “yeah see if I can get Siva out for the first time” to which I replied “first time for everything”. To this Paul came out with”yeah like cracking one off to a tranny”. This as you can imagine amused me greatly as it did Paul who seemed in very good spirits indeed.

I must mention the amount of times Smitts took off the bails especially when keeping to Rog. The batter was standing outside his crease but would step back in before the super quick hands of Smitts did the biz. I would say he took the bails off more times than Julio Iglesias has ripped off some birds knickers but of course the one time he did actually step out he missed!!!The umpire from square leg got fed up in the end and said f*ck it let him do it. The other thing from my point of view was how to dodge the dog shit while on the boundary. Anyway tea was taken with 209 to win with a nice tea but in the most unglamorous surroundings of the changing rooms.

I thought I would umpire today so I followed Paul out as Ash and Smitts followed. Ash faced first up and played out two dots before being bowled. 0 for 1 after 3 balls. Rich came in and hit his first ball for four and then proceeded to give catching practice. Luckily they need it as two identical shots to mid on were dropped by the super slow guy and also a huge appeal for caught behind was turned down as it came off the pad. The keeper got very excited and ran in front of Rich. Paul was unmoved and I explained a bit later that he would have walked. Debate ensues if Rich gave 3 or 4 chances but when he was finally bowled he had scored 18 and we were 31 for 2 in the 8th.

For the first 11 overs things were all slow with a spot of leggy but that changed in over 12 as Fari came on to bowl-quick. Firstly he had Smitty bowled off the inside edge for 8 which brought in Shakes. The first ball of his third over was a high full toss that caught shakey on the hand, cue second batsman to fall on the floor today in pain. As we were all crowded round I saw Paul (who was now not umpire) had walked all the way to the middle to spout comments such as “if he bowls one of them again it will be the last one he ever bowls” plus several other certain comments that I cant quite quote but I think you get the picture. Anyway after several minutes Shakey got back up, winced as he played the next one, hit a four not long after then shouted aggressively at some daft arse cow with her little sh*t machine and purple ball behind the bowlers arm (I think he was a bit wound up) (ED- apologies but I can't take out all the swear words, it would take too long, therefore I'll try and put * where ever possible) and then got bowled by the extra ball due to the no ball. The ball kept low and Shakey gone for ten. 46 for 4 in the 16th. Pikey fell in a very similar way in his next over and was bowled for 7. 53 for 5 in the 18th and things looking bad. This became 64 for 6 as Dewbs fell the same way to Fari in the 22nd and 209 seemed a very long way off.

Tesh had now come in and played the quickie very well, Paul came in smiling a faced two balls from him and that was the end of his spell of 6 overs 4 for 17. Paul and Tesh took us past a 100 with some good shots and Tesh hitting the ball very hard through mid on especially. Paul seemed to have his batting touch back before trying to smack Siva through the on side and was bowled for a good 19 and 103 for 7 in the 31st. Rog came in next, hit a lovely shot through the covers for a 3 but then hit a wide full toss high in the air at deep point and was caught for 3. 106 for 8 in the 32nd.

Tesh was still going along nicely in what was almost certainly the best innings I have seen him play. This was ended by attempting a second bye but being sent back by Foxy, the fact that he left his bat on the ground made little difference as he was run out for a very very good 25 and at 113 for 9 the end was nigh. Another slightly bizarre run out and we have had a few of them recently.

With 6 overs left and Tesh now out I had no intention of hanging around and had a look at one and then tried to twat everything. Most of it just seemed to go up in the air though. The first time I got away with it as super slow guy dropped a high one. Next time I was not so lucky and was caught by a good catch from one I hit high to long on for 7. All out for 122 and lost by loads.

The usual mixture of good cricket to absolute crap from us with Fari knocking the guts out of us. We were told after that he can be all over the place and was recently hit for 20 odd in one over at St Fagans. Today though he was on the spot (well mostly) and when the ball does things at a decent pace it is hard to adjust. I thought Pikey captained very well and at the end of the day we were beaten by a better 11.

I thought Smitty placed a good proper innings although the score would not suggest so. Rich had a very entertaining little knock, Tesh batted brilliantly and Paul has got himself into a bit of form. Paul also bowled well as did Rog, Foxy (figures don’t do him justice), Shakes and Pikey chipped in at a difficult time to bowl. Our fielding was the usual mixture but overall pretty good with only Foxy dropping a catch that to be fair was a toughy for man of 60 plus.

At least we got a game in which seemed unlikely. Afterwards we went to Groesfaen from the invitation of Brian and most of the talk was about Chepstow races and my porn collection and how Limeware has saved me lots of space but that Paul’s collection is much bigger than mine. How did Dan get on with Pikeys missus mate and not an Ebbw Vale bum rub in sight

Paul 8-2-26-1 2wides 1 nb
Rog 8-1-29-1 1 wide
Tesh 4-0-46-2 eleven wides 1 nb
Fox 8-0-47-1 1 wide
Mark 8-2-24-1 1 wide
Dewbs 2-0-18-0 2 wides
Pike 2-0-9-1

The book said 10 runs for Pikey but he was adamant it was 9 so I have checked and he is correct with his own Roachey moment

Ash 0-3 balls
Smitty 8-24 balls
Rich 18-27 balls 3 fours
Mark 10-25 balls 1 four
Pike 7-16 balls 1 four
Dewbs 6-16 balls 1 four
Tesh 25-38 balls 3 fours
Paul 19-25 balls 2 fours
Rog 3- 6 balls
Fox not out 2 7 balls
Furny 7 6 balls 1 four

Revenge in a couple of weeks please!

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