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TOSSER
It is essential that every slow bowler possesses in
his armoury a quicker ball, if only to give the impression
that he’s not just a spin bowler because he’s
‘shit at everything else’. The tosser facilitates
to bamboozle the eager batsman, exactly at the point
at which he’s summarised that as far a being a
competent bowler goes, you are very much a ‘raasclat
fool’. His mouth watering, and pupils dilating,
he trots flippantly down the wicket like a new born
foal, eager to investigate a curious rustling in the
long grass ahead. Little does he know that a particularly
butch, and pissed off viper lays in wait for his arrival.
The grip is very much the same as the glider. Only
instead of flicking your thumb as if to discard the
pre-rolled booger, just imagine your are stationary
at a set of traffic lights. Just about to discard the
booger when a very fine young love thing pulls up next
to you in a Citroen 2cv. Obviously a foreign bird with
a touch of fiery class, you anticipate her disapproval
at you flicking the booger away, and after a lightening
adjustment, you simply allow the booger to rest between
your thumb and for finger, until the pretty lady has
bolted, or until it simply melts into a goo. This is
the grip for the tosser.
 Holding
on tight, you count 45 steps back from the crease. Nb.
The run up is the most essential part of the tosser.
For why? Well, I’ll explain. If you walk around
45 steps back from the wicket you are bound to end up
in the pavilion and at/or near the bar! Note; when utilising
the glider remember to wear the whites with pockets,
and replace stones with 10 pound notes. It may be necessary
to carry more counters depending on how many tossers
you intend bowling in a spell. I would recommend you
limit it to six and below, anything over and above that
figure is likely to cause complete disinterest in the
game of cricket, and a pig rind compulsion.
The run up and release. I would recommend a taxi. A
full pint of warm scrumpy tends to have a mind of its
own immediately after consumption, therefore I would
suggest you arrive at the point of delivery as safely
as possible. Once in the crease, keeping a strait arm
and face, use the same delivery technique as the glider
with one very important addition. A flick of the wrist
in a downward motion. Depending on the strength of wrist
you can gain up to 30% extra speed in your delivery.
The currently world record speed for the tosser is 367
mph, set by WPG Grace-Stevens, in the ashes test of
1986. For extra tips on wrist work see Grace-Stevens
website; www.nannasgotacrackingflange.com
NB - there is no connection between those in the images
and the title of this Master Class. (I still want to
play Skipper)
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